have faith

two months later, i have settled my stance. i have learned since a few weeks ago not to demand too much. had i gave in, then, i would be less happy now.

chill is the word for now. things are they are for a purpose, and i don't have to rock the boat or anything. i think i should not be influenced or swayed by anything.

have faith.

and this morning, i accidentally splashed almost boiling water on my left hand. except for a slight sting in between my thumb and forefinger, there are no blisters nor swelling. thank you. it was good that none of my dogs were around or else that would have been disastrous for them and i would not know what to do. my dogs haven't experienced any excruciating pain in their lives.

is love all lost???

let it drag. 

find something else to channel the energy.

love is nothing but matter and matter cannot be destroyed but it be transformed. 

bored but moving. 

new love: the music of kate miller-heidke

i think i found my tori amos (and add a bit of regina spektor) for these times. kate miller-heidke is an australian musician with classical training. i looked up her various videos and they say a lot about her.  there's "i'll change your mind" with a very dark original video. it looks fun at first but then the end fits an episode of american horror story.

she does her cover of "toxic" live and that totally blows me away. she knows how to have fun and get the audience into her performance. she also has "the real slim shady." her range is great and that goes for the music and the lyrics. there's a twist or an irony in the lyrics.

however, what got me into listening to her was "the tiger inside will eat the child." click on the title and like the song. actually, i never bother to pay attention to links posted by some FB friends. the one who got away (i think i coded that person with the architect eons ago) posted the link in facebook. i thought the animation was cute so i decided to watch. the melody got into me - nothing fancy - just good old guitar and a few shakes.

the beginning of the song had several allusions to jacob's ladder, burning sand, tiger, siddhartha's temple. all those failed. the song speaks of finding oneself. it's all about finding the self amidst the chaos but it also says that once you find it, you know it's gone because the tiger inside will eat the child. the truth murders the innocence. so, where's the fun in having?

how do we kill it once we have it? when we keep it, we kill it. we kill people when we get them by imposing to them our wanting for them to live by our rules. our tiger can be anything. it can be anger or its opposite. what happens after? no matter how horrible the tiger may be, you can't kill it because it might be the only thing that can save you.

(the video says a lot, too.)

so, i will look and buy the album and let my new muse take over my writing.

the side story:  i dreamt of personally thanking the architect - that's how deep "the tiger inside will eat the child" got me. it slipped into my subconscious.

The Hunger Season 2

My subconscious remembers "The Hunger," not the movie but the series. I must have come across it through my readings and completely forgotten about it until I came across its DVD.

After American Horror Story, I just finished season 2 of "The Hunger." I caught on because it's bizarre!  The stories are bloody, gruesome, mad, desirable, lustful - basic needs to be satisfied. "Hunger" for as the opening video says.

Except for David Bowie, who acts as the Host and a former painter who took his reality art a bit too far (mutilation of bodies, including his), and Giovanni Ribisi in the first episode, no one looks familiar. Oh, there's that fisher dude, who's always a jerk in his movie roles, and an overweight obese (no kidding) William Katt! I love William Katt when he was 100 lbs lighter in The Greatest American Hero. There's Jennifer Beals in her best (after Flashdance, before L Word).

The characters in all the stories do not get any form or remorse except for the episode with the archangel Michael. I liked "The Perfect Couple" but I thought it could have had a better ending - like both the dying husband and wife could hear the last lines that they still love each other despite hearing each other's thoughts.

Another thing I like about the series is that it was made from 1999 to 2000, that turn of the millennium, the time when everything was unsure. The series makes Dexter, CSI, and other genres that border on the mysterious and murderous lame. Nothing beats writing episodes from short stories.


I wonder if I'll finally face the mentalist or go with Dr. Watson next. 

American Horror Story - why i like it

After my GLEE marathon a couple of weeks ago, I had to go back to my normal self.  I can't believe I spent that much for original CDs for Glee but I'm willing to spend more for the video. Sadly, I still have to sweep the record stores to find the video.


To go back to my normal self, I finished the last of the Millennium series and felt sorry that Stieg Larsson had to die at such a young age. He did not even know the strength of Lisbeth Salander. It's sad no one can take over and continue the series. (Why is "Lisbeth" significant? Well, my favorite and most influential teacher used to call me that, dropping the first and third vowel sounds.)


Then, I watched the first season of American Horror Story. I found it normal for the creators of Glee to have thought of creating that dark series. We all have different purging rituals.


The plot stems from Amityville Horror or The Shining - where the houses seem to feed on the evil of the residents. However, what I like about this series is the wit of the dialogue and the nosey neighbor that seems to have a story of her own. Constance is more interesting than the other stories of the other characters. The dialogue takes potshots at Obama (low housing prices, bad economy, etc.), pretentious living of the rich of LA, and how therapy does not really help. More importantly, the dialogue also pokes fun at how one's current state is the result of a bad mother and a father who left. Another twist here is that ghosts can make the decision if they want to show themselves to the humans.


I love the irony, too. The setting is LA, city of angels. Angels can be devils, too.  I can also imagine the schizo state of Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk who have both Glee and American Horror Story running at the same time.


Nothing is sacred, it seems. 


The good thing about the series is that it ended, with all stories tucked in tightly. However, it will have a second season that will focus on Constance. I share the opinion that Jessica Lange really did a hell of a job with Constance. I can't think of any other actress who has such acting skills! 


Anyway, here are my questions: How come Moira aged unlike the other ghosts? Why are the other ghosts still all bloodied up unlike the ones in the house? What did move Tate to become a psychopath, anyway?  It can't be all just drugs and Constance. Why wasn't the house converted into a museum of some sorts considering it does have a history of murders?    How come no church thingy was ever called to cleanse the house? 

read me...

some books resting on my desk waiting to be read in no particular order. i'm biding my time. i just finished the millennium series and hoped that lisbeth salander will live on. 

i have to confess:

i haven't read the hunger games series although i read through the summary before i watched the movie adaptation of the first book. i'm still thinking of whether i should read it. i might as soon as i am done with battle royale.

i read twlight, new moon, and eclipse but i can't seem to read breaking dawn. i only got to watch twilight and i know i'm not missing anything. 

i have no plans of reading or watching 50 shades of grey even if the series is such a hit. 

one book is missing here. i'm reading this book, too. it's the only one by a filipino author. sad.

stretched it out a bit

i can't recall if this incident is my first friday the 13th mishap. i don't even know if the cause happened on that day or on the 12th. all i know is that the pain became evident on the night of the 13th. i actually thought the pain was the prelude to a stroke - how strokes are caused by that one tiny block and i have read about tiny blockages in the leg can lead to a stroke. har.

then the swelling began. i couldn't put my left foot on the ground without pain. i've never been in pain at this level in my entire life and i wish this for no one. i've had a sprain when i was 12 but after rolling my foot on the bottle, i was able to walk and run in a few minutes. however, it's been almost three days. might have also aggravated it by walking quite extensively friday night on my desire to purchase a bucket of jollibee chicken. each store gave me a waiting time of 15 mins and i just couldn't wait for it.

yesterday morning, i realized it was not a stroke but rather, my achilles tendon got all stretched up a bit. a few days ago, my right foot stepped on an inclined surface. i did not trip or anything. there was no pain at all. i thought this misstep might have caused it, but i don't recall shifting my weight on my left. then, i remembered my left foot did bend on my ankle when i stepped on a lower part of the street. there was no pain and i did not at all panic because i've always experienced either of my feet folding inward for a millisecond.

the pain has immobilized me. it made going up and down the stairs difficult. it made walking difficult. it made rising up hard. i had to forego having a bath for the past two days as i did not want to get my left foot wet. i also have no decent food in the house and i'm on my pre-period stage when i have an uncontrollable appetite. i had an ice pack on it but the curve made it difficult to target the painful area. i could walk but it made me look like a penguin and i can't get out of the house as i would not want the people here to see me hobbling.


however, i need to get out tonight because i have no more food for the dogs, who won't settle for plain dog food for dinner. i thought i could move with the umbrella for a cane but it was harder. i'm thinking of taking a cab and going to the orthopedic store so i can buy a cane or something but i am hopeful the pain will go away by tomorrow. i am quite careful with my movement because i do not want to aggravate the weight and cause some ligaments to weaken. i cannot afford an operation.

i know my heels are dry. my left heel is bigger than the right. it's painful but the swelling is less painful now. it's softer compared to yesterday. i think my lack of exercise is making my muscles stiff so as soon as this pain heals, i'll really be enrolling to the gym. i lost almost 10 lbs in the past year without much effort so if i have more effort, i could lose more.